Leave

When I left my abuser it did not matter to me that I didn't have enough gas to get down the hill. That I had nowhere to go and no means for anything. I just couldn't take it anymore. I have been trying to leave for years...until I did. I could not take him telling me I'm just a stupid b**** I'm an effing stupid b**** I didn't want to hold on to a piece of equipment when he was raising it up with the tractor I feared I'd get hurt because he never really paid attention if it was safe for anyone but him. I spent eight years with someone with narcissism. Did I look nothing like this girl anymore he completely ruined every single aspect of whom I am, was. He murdered her and got away with it. He didn't just break my heart. I'm not talking about an a****** boyfriend. I'm talking about falling in love with someone who doesn't exist all the while they are completely programming you and getting you hooked on them. And you need to be aware of this because it truly completely ruins you. And I don't want this to happen to anyone. I still don't know how the last rest of my life is going to go if it's worth living. Especially in this manner.So much has come out about it. For good reason. It is an incredibly dangerous behavioral disorder that enables the "narcissist" to live in a fantasy world of their creation. As if they are the scout, writer and director of some screen play they plan on making into a feature film. They cast themselves in the main role. One where they ARE adored, cared for. Encouraged, loved and their every desire fulfilled by those LUCKY enough to be in their narrative. You see deep down they are insecure with a deep feel of worthlessness. To protect themselves of this deep lack, and emotional pain, this condition of narcissism develops. With this development they grow unable to regulate their emotions. You hear that they go from 0 to 10 and a flip of a switch. They go from their true feeling to the fantasy world and as they develop and grow it can grow into their normal you're playing the role of my movie and if you do anything to question it they just jump out of their mind and they go into a rage. That is extremely dangerous for the victim they also need you their victim to regulate their emotions you do this by being a perfect character in their screenplay. This provides them with SUPPLY.  Termed supply by professionals, narcissists are known to have several forms of supply but I will only speak on my own. My narcissist gain supply and validation from his achievements with bodybuilding. With his homes and real estate. His gun collection. his hunting. His Jeep collection. his antique car collection. Chevy trucks I think he has over 30 some cars. Also a collection of gym equipment.n also antiques. A collection of Amish quilts and furniture. When I met him he owned 11 hybrid wolves and the course of our relationship we adopted two more 100% wolves. I began to notice he collected things. When he had money he spent it all he could spend $40,000 in like 2 days. Yeah it wouldn't leave me a quarter on the table for gas. You see all these purchases and adoration at the gym and his little fix it guy Montana man persona fed him supply.  made him feel very important. He liked that. He even had a fake "oh gosh" what am I going to do with you? " That eventually melted my heart. Well I'm going to tell you exactly what he did with me. You see I was an athlete. I was a divorced after 22 years mother of three boys living in my hometown Ocean Beach California and fortunate to have landed a job as a corporate benefit director and Chef extraordinaire for better ads Inc in San Diego California. Employed by Asher Burke. A self-made millionaire by the time he graduated high school. You see because I was a stay-at-home mother I did not have a way to make means when my ex-husband overindulgent transvestite p*** addiction and who knows what else kept coming to surface and I couldn't take it anymore. Now this is when I truly should have sought counseling. I did not know that this was the first glitch I would say in my mental ability to overcome the many things I've overcome in my life. From drug addiction losing a son stillborn, having a pretty rough home life with my mother who I now recognize has traits of narcissism herself. Ugh,I don't even know how to do this you guys. I have to. I have to put my story out there so I don't keep going in circles. (Rumination) I truly do not want this traumatic experience happen to any other woman out there. The crime is in the conditioning. That is where the assault on your life is. It's not boohoo he hit you but who you lose. The slow kill.  Everything you are. You lose your mind, you lose you. I will walk you through my experience the best that I can. I do not articulate the same as I once did. And a lot of times just the memory triggers an emotion or a panic attack a tightness where you cannot get enough air you can't breathe. It's really changes your whole self.  Nothing about me is the same.  I don't even like to look at myself.  I can't even see a sparkle in my eye. I used to post all the time on Instagram and you can see me at 619mom. I would look at myself and so much hope and love would be a reflection in my eyes. Even though I was divorced after 22 years I was living my best life when I met my narcissist. I went from complete numbness and despair after 22 years in a very difficult time having your whole family Fall apart. It was never my intention to be a divorced mother where my kids had to go to their fathers and I had to be away from them and everything you give your life to easily taken away because of someone's selfish choice. But I knew that it was not my doing but it was something that I had to do. I had enough respect for myself to tell my husband he can get the hell out of my life or love me the way I deserve to. I wish I would have sought counseling or therapist at this time but I thought I was pretty much in control I just cried and prayed every day put those feelings out into the ocean where I'd walk the cliffs daily and I felt the energy of the ocean just filling me and I knew I would be all right this could be the best time of my life I was still capable I had a great discipline about me. But I did know I did not want to live my life alone without Love. I did learn that the love was already inside of me the person I needed to live my life with was whom I call God. The experience gave me that recognition at least. Narcissism is not just an a****** who cheats or thinks that they are the most amazing thing ever. I was dealing with a covert malignant narcissist. Now they all keep score of everything everything you've ever shared with them even if it's for them when you were little they will throw it right into your face. And turn around the whole experience that you had and state the reason you're this way is because of this. Making a word salad out of your story. They all do this. And no matter you calmly trying to explain anything they will never see it your way they see absolutely every single thing and experience or action reaction as an assault on them. That you are trying to damage them or hurt them cause them pain embarrassment. That must be stopped. They are truly the most incredible feeling that you had ever experienced in every way. From the love bomb and I'll get into that later to the ticking bomb that is to come. They will seek, enjoy eventually  destroy their toy.There's no book or guide that tells all narcissists these are the things narcissists do, yet they all share same character traits, abuse in the same manner, definitely  in the same order, intentiona cruel coercive toxic abusive horrendous way.  I don't believe they are doing knowingly in the manner a normal being would hurt someone by putting their foot out to trip someone if they were to put their foot out to trip someone it would just be taking their foot out to trip them, because they were going to go somewhere without the narcissist best intentions in mind. And if they tripped you it wasn't because they were cruel and tripping you they are not cruel they do not view their actions in that way they were tripping you because you were going to the store without asking them what you were getting for them. I sometimes think mine had multiple personalities disorder. Possibly one being Montana Mountain man the handsome and thoughtful one. Another being a highschool football player. Driving the pickup truck with you right next to him. Another being a complete bully just a complete a****** honking at people flipping them off telling them to get out of his space him being the only one around and stepping in front of you so he could do a set in front of the mirror. One of those being a gracious will do anything for a friend attitude (that they adopt from you when you first meet this is called mirroring) but all of those characters were TOM. He had narcissism. I like to refer to that way because it's almost like someone having down syndrome it's a condition that can't control. It just is. So I wonder if they have this condition and if they can't control it yet they are aware of what they're doing yet cannot stop it what should society do with this condition of people? Because this condition causes them to destroy, I say murder they're victims. They truly do if you were out and about and somebody were to assault you in such a way that it inhibited your ability to function affecting your mind your emotions your physiology your physical being your health completely deteriorate and destroy everything that makes you part of a community, that would be a crime. In court they probably get life. So how is it that they walk amongst us? Free. And the condition is this is just how they are and there's no changing it nothing will help it psychologists and psychiatrists and doctors and professors say it over and over there is no changing. In the drop of a hat something could set them off. 

It would seem every seven to nine days he would have a rage. And right after that he would turn into this little infantile precious little quiet boy. Super calm as if nothing had happened he would get that high from the rage and then when he came down and calm down it would be nothing like nothing ever happened. And I would trip out a little bit cuz do I mention it like are you cool now. In the beginning he used to kick me out every week or two every time we would have one of his flip outs. This alone cause me to lose one of my greatest assets as a wife future wife woman I was the ultimate organizer and home always being immaculate. If you saw the s*** show of things that I am sorting through now and it's like my brain out in the world in 3D just chaos. I have my narcissist to thank for this. Pack unpack pack unpack throw everything in a tub and then I go out and buy all new things cuz I had money at this time just a mess. I'm going to bring it back you going to wonder why someone would stay with someone like this if they're mistreat you they'll just leave well this is the thing the first thing they do to you is they love bomb you. Let me rephrase that the way they get you hooked is they love bomb you they have already been a part of your life from a distance for a while. I remember always see my narcissist at the gym he'd be doing his ab crunches or his calves but he'd be scanning the room looking at everybody and I always thought is he's just seeing if anyone's checking him out? Now I know from professor Sam vilcon I will check for his proper name spelling. What they do is they scan and they look to see who they may be able to attract supply from. They look to see who's going to be able to be easily manipulated, who could add to their status and who would add some value? Are they compassionate would they feel for the narcissist if they were sick or needed a rub would they service him would they make sure the narcissist had food to eat would they clean up their home for them to make it comfortable possibly take care of their pets if they had to go away? Are they someone who just doesn't give up that would be loyal to them that would understand if the narcissist made a little mistake it would be forgivable and kept quiet? Who would be a good little girl who would make the narcissist look like the man? How young or big of an age difference could The narcissist get? He wouldn't want anybody with a bad name or reputation. No no this woman had to have value she had to be one of beauty wealth morals high value in standards. One definitely without tattoos and one who definitely kept with her own race. No one who slept around for sure untouched. Yes. The supply would be worthy of placing on a pedestal a perfect being. One of character. One worthy of course of the Narcissist himself. He would definitely need to study this one. Let's see where she stands in relationships. If she is compassionate and cares especially that the narcissist has had romantic troubles in the past. With my God is last girlfriend stealing a bunch of money from him over $200,000 and gambling it away and the last two years of their relationship they didn't even sleep together she even slept upstairs. He has had no sex she doesn't clean for him or cook that is why he had to come to me to buy chicken because after all I was the California Meal Maid. My breasts were the best! And this is how Tom became part of my life. This is how he was able to grow on me and cast a spell on me. Tom the time bomb. He had asked me to make him 10 lb of chicken a week I was approached by his trainer at the gym the Tom had a specific request and needed someone who really cooked well obviously he had been scanning me out and knew that I did this I later found out. Sure I can make you 10 lb of chicken for a hundred bucks a week. So that was the shake and deal I wish I never made. Nothing too spicy maybe Cajun. I said sure I make my own Cajun seasonings I'll blend it together oh no onions or garlic either they upset my tummy.🙄